I used to have a very very hard time admitting I was wrong.
As a teenager my friends would tease me about it mercilessly.
Even now, when I think of a past experience of someone noticing and calling me out on something I had fucked up, I feel the physical sensations - my throat closes like a fist and my upper chest and back feel squeezed by a flat metal vice. My mind screams "You’re bad! You’re bad! AAH They found you out! They know your secret - you're really so terrible!"
See at some point in my childhood I had created a story in my head as a protection mechanism. The story was basically --
"I have to be right all the time. Being right means I am smart, and being smart is what will make people love me. When I am right I am safe. When I’m right I am in control and this means I can’t be hurt and therefore am safe. Being wrong means I am stupid. This means I am unlovable. Making mistakes means I am worthless."
Yikes, right?!
It’s really fucking harsh when you write it all out like that.
I feel comfortable sharing it with you though because I don’t believe those stories any more. Not at all. When I realize I have made a mistake now, these old stories and physical sensations arise in me for a few seconds… but they feel wispy… like a slowly fading echo.
Once that echo fades, a feeling of excitement and gratitude come up for me quite strongly. I get excited when I make a mistake now although I honestly do not understand exactly why. I think it has to do with anticipating the really wonderful feelings I have following acknowledging and apologizing to someone for something I’ve done to hurt them or some way I have been out of integrity.
It maybe also has to do with feeling so proud of myself for how far I’ve come in this area of my life! I am as proud of my apologizing skills as my daughter was recently when she first jumped off the diving board! I want to do it again and again!!
"Look mom! Watch me apologize!!!"


I share this with you now though, not just to proudly show off my mad apology skills.
I share this now because we are in a time in history when lots of white people are getting smacked in the face with difficult truths about how we have failed, made mistakes, lacked conviction and lacked integrity in fighting racism in ourselves, our friends and family and the systems that we experience privilege in. We are being called out for our mistakes. And that is really fucking hard for so many of us who have the story that being wrong = being stupid = being unlovable = being unsafe.
But this equation is not true. It is actually the opposite. Being wrong, admitting it, apologizing for it humbly and asking the question "How can I do better?" (to oneself, or when appropriate, the person or people we have wronged) actually makes us more lovable, more safe and ultimately much smarter AND wiser!
Trust me though, those first few times you acknowledge your mess ups hurt like a freakin’ bitch. No Lie. Even writing about it here creates a burning, strangling sensation in my throat and chest. Be gentle with yourself by acknowledging the immense courage needed to do something that makes your nervous system scream "Unsafe! Unsafe! Unsafe!" at you.
Also remember, nobody has ever died from acknowledging a mistake.

You can do it. Start now. Time for the big girl or boy pants. Dive off that diving board.
I’ll be here cheering you on.