My resistance to writing (she/her)on my zoom name
illuminating what lies beneath
I miss using a knife! my mom said with a self-conscious giggle.
Your vegetarian food is delicious, Margot. But I miss using a knife when I eat.
I’ve been thinking about my mom’s knife lament lately because even though using a knife seems like a silly thing to miss, I totally understand the feeling she’s expressing. I often miss eating out of those cardboard Chinese food containers even though takeout food tastes the same eaten out of a plastic tub!
The feeling of missing something that feels insignificant and illogical comes up in my body as I struggle to change how I speak about gender and the language I use to refer to other humans. When I try to use they/their pronouns or try to change the pronoun I use for someone I’ve known as the opposite gender I feel a wistfulness for a “simpler time.”
Interestingly, I have no problem intellectually with using different pronouns… And when I make the attempt, my body actually feels better — lighter and more expansive. But, just like my mom missing holding a knife, the nostalgia in my body is real too and if I want to move through it with ease, compassion and peace, I give myself grace for feeling it.
I also notice resistance to putting (she/her) on my zoom and other social media accounts that manifests as a whiny kid in my mind. This voice says:
Haven’t I done enough to be an ally???
Can’t I have this one last bit of being un — “pc”?
Do I have to be careful of EVERYTHING I say? All the damn time?!
When I stop to look at what’s underneath this particular resistance I find an old familiar story of time scarcity. This “lack of time” story rears its annoying head in so many unexpected places!
I’ve developed the habit over the past few years to ask myself the following question in this situation:
“If you knew you had all the time in the world; if there was no pressure of work or money… how would it feel to take the time to learn more about folks who identify as non-binary and/or gender non-conforming?”
The answer is it would feel really damn good: it would feel like I was living the life I most deeply desire to live. This answer shows me that any and all resistance I feel to shifting my language around gender comes from societal conditioning and does not align with my highest good or the integrity I strive to live with.
So I dive in. I show up for my Gender Expansive Coaching group (https://www.tailorae.com/coaching) with an open mind and an open heart. I allow myself to be a newbie — to fumble and stumble and look and sound ignorant. I allow myself to learn and grow.
I continue to share through words, despite their limitations and inadequacies what I learn, with the desire to inspire and encourage you to learn and grow by looking at and questioning your resistance.