In which I come clean about a 7 year secret
Enough is e-freakin-nough. I’ve reached my boiling point and am ready to share a secret I’ve been holding onto for 7 years. It’s a secret that I just discovered maybe isn’t even mine to carry, but which I have felt aching amounts of fear and shame around for years.
My original plan for this piece was to reveal the secret that I have herpes type 2 (HSV 2) and share how that feels to me. The goal was to both unburden me of the secret and, hopefully, help someone else who is carrying a similar secret to feel less shame and fear around it. As I was researching a bit, however, I uncovered some mind-boggling info that leaves me wondering if I even have the herp virus at all.
But let’s begin at the beginning — when I went to my gynecologist roughly 7 years ago in preparation for getting back out into the dating world, post-divorce.
I was shocked as hell when the results from my sti panel came back “positive for herpes — types 1 and 2.”
I was told that the results showed a long-term infection, not recent.
How could that be? I wondered. I had never had any symptoms!
I had been completely monogamous during my marriage, as had my (ex) husband I believed and we had both gotten tested at the beginning of our relationship so that we could feel safer about not using condoms.
My initial reaction was, unsurprisingly, to assume that my ex had cheated on me or lied to me. But he swore that he didn’t and honestly I believed him.
I started doing a little digging and was shocked and horrified to discover how common it is for men to get a false negative on a herpes test. This means that my ex could have had the virus without knowing and given it to me at some point during our 10-year relationship.
I also discovered in this initial research that women can pass along the virus to their children during childbirth. This scared the shit out of me. I didn’t know if I would be able to forgive myself if I had passed along to one or both of my kids the big “Scarlet H” before they even thought of becoming sexually active themselves.
Thankfully, both my kids tested negative for both HSV 1 and 2. Once I found that out I felt so much relief that I basically just stopped researching it and basically settled into life with the burden of being a herp carrier.
And the burden of having (or think you have) herpes is intense, even without ever having a physical outbreak.
For me, the shittiest part has been the disclosure conversations. Deciding when the right time to share this information with a potential sexual partner is nerve-wracking and ultimately fruitless because there is no “right” time.
Watching a man’s face when I drop the herp bomb is terrible — a stomach-churning mix of fear, shame, regret, worry, and disgust.
Another shitty situation has happened a few times in my past when I ended a relationship. Two different men took their anger about the breakup out on me with slut-shaming and name-calling related to my herpes status. This turned me off from dating for a while until I could recover my equilibrium and confidence.
Given all of this, you may be wondering why I’m breaking my silence and airing this secret now?
The answer is partly because I’m tired of carrying this burden. Keeping secrets requires lying. Lying takes constant energy and I want to open up that energy for other, more uplifting, joyful stuff. I want to clear the space this secret’s been taking up in my psyche and fill it with something that makes me feel good.
I also strive to walk my talk by speaking my truth and doing scary shit. (And sharing this secret is about as scary as I can imagine, without some crazy bungee jumping-type situation.)
I’m also coming clean about my herp status to support you if you are living with a secret and carrying shame around every day. Perhaps it will help you feel a bit less burdened to know that I’m carrying the same burden.
Whatever secret you’re carrying around, whether you’re ready to let it out of the bag now, tomorrow, or never, you are still worthy and deserving of love and appreciation.
When I look at my reasons for keeping this secret for so long it inevitably comes back to good ol’ American shame.
Despite the fact that I know intellectually that I
Have nothing to be ashamed of, if I am positive and
Might not even have the fucking thing!
The fear and shame are embedded deeply.
Good ol’ Puritan, sex-negative, American shame has crapped all over this situation for me and millions of other people.
Check out the below facts for even more evidence for why our shame about a herpes diagnosis is crazy:
*The CDC does not currently recommend getting tested for herpes unless you have the common symptoms associated with herpes because the tests are so unreliable — meaning rates of false positives and false negatives are so high.
*About one out of six people in the United States aged 14 to 49 have genital herpes caused by the HSV-2 infection (the herpes simplex virus responsible for genital herpes). The overall genital herpes statistic is probably higher, according to the CDC, since many people are also contracting genital herpes through oral sex caused by HSV-1.
*The only conclusive way to know if you really have HSV2 is to get the Western Blot test. There is only one lab in the entire country that does this test. The University of Washington is the only lab in the US that does the test. It costs over $300.
So here are the takeaways:
Many people who think they have the herp, actually don’t.
Many people who don’t think they have it, actually do and have spread it to other people, without knowing it.
Conservative estimates are that 1 in 6 Americans carry the herp strain #2
Given the above facts, it is truly BANANAS that so many of us who have tested positive for the herp feel so much shame and fear about it.
If you are someone who carries a similar secret to mine — I hope, with all my heart, that my sharing has helped you feel a little bit more seen and a little less ashamed. You are worthy and deserving of love (and amazing sex!)
If you are someone who is blissfully sti-free and hasn’t given much thought to this issue, then I hope, with all my heart, that my sharing has opened your mind a bit to look at your own assumptions and judgments about people with stis.
Thank you for reading and feel free to contact me with thoughts, questions, responses, etc. Please also share this with friends and family that would benefit from reading it.
