4 Reasons to talk about toxic femininity now.
My dear ladies — we need to take an honest and clear look at the ways we have contributed to the toxic culture in our country.
I am just beginning to dive into this topic myself. So please rest assured that I am not writing here as an expert; but instead as an interested inquirer. I don’t even feel complete on the definition of the term yet. I have my stories about being both the perpetrator and victim of toxic femininity and my ideas of an apt definition. I also want to hear your thoughts, stories, questions and push-back on it.
I see toxic femininity primarily as the behaviors and words that women do and say to shame, degrade, demean or hurt other women. Just recently I saw a really clear example of this when a fellow coach posted the following to her IG account:
Hi, I’m Erika and I’m a slut. I’m also a wife, mother, daughter, business owner, friend… My definition of a slut is a person who LOVES sex. Who celebrates their body and pleasure, who feels there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to having an appetite for sexual…It’s not about being promiscuous, however if that’s your slut flavor then no shame in that!
She then received this response from another coach named Ellen…
This is not female liberation, its false light… it feels degrading to me.. A slut has the energy of feminine abuse and degradation… C’mon.
Dear reader, please take a deep breath and sigh it out.
I share this exchange NOT to start a discussion about whether the word slut is empowering or degrading. You are completely entitled to your opinion about that. That is, in fact, my point. If Erika wants to call herself a slut because that feels good, sexy and empowering to her, why does Ellen need to criticize her for it? Ellen chooses different words to describe herself. Cool! More power to her. The toxic behavior begins, in my opinion when Ellen tries to shame Erika about her personal choices. She tells Erika that she is wrong for feeling empowered about the word slut and sharing that in a public celebratory manner.
What if Ellen instead took the energy that came up for her when she read Erika’s post and used it to learn more about herself. Perhaps she could have started an inquiry such as:
— Why does the word slut trigger me so much? Do I have painful history with that word?
— Why do I desire to write to a stranger on IG to criticize her for how she finds empowerment?
— Is there a part of my sexuality that I feel ashamed about?
Over and over again in cases of toxic femininity, I see the same thought pattern driving the behavior. It’s “she’s not doing it the way I do it.”
This shows up everywhere, in all relationships, from how another woman dresses to her career choices to how she makes a freaking batch of cookies. And we think we’re justified, sometimes even compelled in sharing our opinion about another woman’s choices. (Or we just sit in fuming judgement on her and then talk shit about her with other women.)
WHY?
Why can we not allow other people to do things in a different way from us? Especially when it comes to something as personal as how a woman dresses or how she defines herself. We don’t have to agree with the other lady, or like her choices; we just have to recognize that she is walking her own path in life, not ours and leave her alone.
I encourage you to begin this inquiry for yourself. Start to notice when a moment of toxic femininity pops up in your life.
Are there women in your life that you judge so regularly that you barely even notice it anymore?
Do you tend to avoid close friendships with women because of a past trauma in a female friendship?
Most importantly, can you imagine how your life would be different if the women closest to you never judged or criticized you? *
I see 4 reasons why this is the perfect time to explore this topic:
Women are embracing our power more and more every day. I see the strength, power, depth of compassion, heights of creativity and all-around gorgeousness of women all every day. I know with every fiber of my feminist heart, that we need to recognize, accept and apologize for our lack of consciousness and crappy behavior in order to become even more awesome. Only through acknowledging our shadow sides and mess ups can we shine brighter and more powerfully.
The topic of toxic masculinity is finally being explored. Perhaps its my Libra-ness, but I always want the scales to be balanced. If we are going to explore “toxic masculinity” then we need to explore “toxic femininity” as well.
Most women (in my experience as a coach) fear the judgement and criticism of other women more than that of men. Every woman I have ever coached fears being judged and/or ostracized by the women closest to her and every single woman has been the victim of shaming by other women at some point in her past. This is a huge piece of the trauma healing puzzle that is way too often overlooked.
We white women have a responsibility to women of color to do this work. As difficult and uncomfortable as it is, there is literally no valid excuse in the world that justifies shirking our responsibility to acknowledge, accept and apologize for the ways our behaviors, words and inaction have contributed to making the life of women of color harder.
Will you join me in this important investigation?
Are you ready to dive into the mucky waters of your own history of toxic femininity, as both victim and perpetrator?
Take my hand, we can jump in together.