The Secret to Finally Feeling True Forgiveness

I’ve been thinking and feeling into the concept of forgiveness this week. [I also have a very exciting announcement to share with you - but you gotta read to the end!!] 

Why is it so challenging to feel it for so many of us? Why do some people forgive easily when others struggle so much with it?  And what’s going on with folks who hold grudges for years against people who they perceive to have wronged them? 

There are a few people from my past who hold grudges against me and despite all the peace and self love I have worked so hard to bring into my being - I still feel hurt by this. I also feel shame about the hurt because a voice in my head says, 

You should be over this stuff by now, for God’s sakes!! 

You’re a relationship coach! 

You hear all the time what a good person you are and how much you help people! 

Why do you let a few negative Nellies get to you?!?

But they do get to me. I feel haunted sometimes by the people in my life that dislike/hate me and think I am a bad/selfish/weak person. 

I tell myself that it's their own self judgement that makes them judge me;  this helps for a minute or two. 

I tell myself that plenty of people love me, I can let go of the few who don’t. This also helps for a minute or two. 

But DAMN IT! When I wind up in the same place or “virtual space” with people who think ill of me, my body reacts  as if thorns are striking into my heart. Part of me wants to yell at them - I AM A GOOD PERSON! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?!! 

Another part of me wants to very calmly and sincerely ask them -  Even if I did whatever terrible thing you think I did - is it so bad as to be unforgivable? Can’t you just let it go? It seems like so much work for you to keep holding that energy of anger towards me.

Here’s the Big A-Ha thought I just had when writing this though. I realize that I need to forgive them, for not forgiving me. Freeing myself from the “thorns in my heart” feeling is my responsibility, just like all my feelings are. 

Another part of this I have recently gained clarity on is that folks who are most prone to holding grudges and have the most difficult time with forgiveness are always the people that are most often devastatingly hard on themselves. Their inner critic is loud, aggressive, mean and very difficult to ignore. I have come to understand this both from observing family, friends and clients as well as my own behavior. I see now that the more profoundly I experience freedom from my inner critic and the delicious peace that results, the easier it is for me to forgive people for the wrongs I perceive they’ve done to me. I realize that this is a big area for me to cultivate more compassion and love - forgiving the people who won’t forgive me. Can I forgive people for misunderstanding me? Can I forgive people for assuming whatever the fuck they assume about me rather than taking the time to actually understand and know me? 

Interestingly - when I read the previous sentences back to myself, the answer is “Yes!”

And it actually feels rather easy! 

Because I know that people are busy with their lives and their struggles. Of course I can forgive someone for not making understanding me a priority in their life! I am sure they are busy just trying to live and thrive, especially because the folks for whom this is the hardest challenge are the ones who are (almost certainly) carrying a really HEAVY weight of self hatred in their body, mind and spirit every day.  

And that shit is hard to deal with. So yes, I can forgive them. 

I can even forgive them when they lash out at me and decide I am a good or easy target for their judgement. I do not mean that their behavior is good or even ok - and if given an opportunity I can be clear about that. I can both refuse to accept their behavior towards me and also forgive them. 

And here is a crucial thing to remember with this whole “forgiveness” situation. When you choose to forgive someone - you do that for yourself, not for them. You can choose to forgive someone in order to be free from the burdensome weight of resentment and anger; in order to release those sharp thorns from your heart.  You can choose it for your own joy, peace and pleasure.

I feel the relief in my own body when I allow this forgiveness to come in.

How does this feel for you? Do you find yourself resistant to forgiveness or does it come easily to you?

Is there a person in your life that you could consider forgiving? How would that feel in your body - if you take a moment right now, to imagine forgiving this person?

Do you feel tension and stress? Or do you feel more spaciousness and ease? Neither is right or wrong - you are just observing how it feels for you to forgive someone for whom it feels very difficult. 

What would you need to know about them, or about yourself, to allow you feel forgiveness?

I look forward to hearing from you - your thoughts and feelings on the complex issue of forgiveness. 

I am sending you so much love,

Margot

P.S I have a new article just released in Working Mother Magazine