Try these Simple Practices for Peaceful Family Time

It’s holiday time and for many of us, myself included, that means family time. (Cue dramatic music.) This may feel wonderful to you or it may be a source of struggle and tension. In my book Choose Love: A Simple Path to Healthy, Joyful Relationships I have a chapter called “Presence with Parents and Siblings” in which I discuss how helpful it is to let go of expectations and “shoulds” in these close relationships. 

The more that you can practice holding space and show up open-minded and open-hearted in each moment… the better your chances are of appreciating them...and feeling less disappointment, hurt and resentment.

I want to take this one step further now and offer another tool for diffusing tension and increasing compassion and ease in family relationships. The idea is to see the inner child inside a loved one, particularly in moments in which they are acting in a way that triggers, irritates or angers you. 

Do you think compassion would show up more easily if the person acting or speaking in the annoying way was a child younger than 12 years old?

Now this can be a delicate tool to use, because you don’t want to feel condescending or take on a parenting role with a relative. They will most likely not appreciate that, to say the least. 

I am suggesting this tool to help you take their behavior less personally and create space for more compassion, not as a way to get them to change their actions.

I find it helpful to remember, especially at this time of year, when the pressure to feel grateful and joyful with family can build up to the point of overwhelm, that everyone is feeling that pressure and everyone is trying to deal with it the best they can, in the ways that they know how to. And for many folks, especially older generations, their way of dealing with pressure looks very different than the way you deal with pressure. They learned different ways as children and have been operating from a very different set of rules than you have.

I think it is also helpful to remember that despite the glaring differences, your family most likely wants the same thing that you do - to feel appreciated and loved and to show you appreciation and love. You are all on the same team. 

And last but not least - you have my full support and encouragement to take breathers from your family if/when you start to feel the tension, frustration or pressure overwhelming you. 

• Go to the bathroom and spend 1 minute breathing into feelings of love and safety in your body.

• Take a minute to go outside and consciously breathe out and release the uncomfortable feelings.

• Turn this song way up at the end of the night, grooving and shaking your body to release anything that feels stuck.

• Comment below with all the details of how annoying your relatives are! Convince me that they are the exception to the Golden Rule of kindness and compassion for every living thing. :-)

I am sending you Big Love,

Margot